Yesterday my mother was on the phone speaking Iranian to her nephew in her usual over the odds LOUD volume.
I felt myself whence and almost automatically stop her. but I didn’t. I was used to quickly shush-ing her for most of my life.
I knew why I felt this way. Because growing up I HATED IT. I DESPISED IT when my mum would speak Persian loudly, especially in front of people I knew.
Why? Because they would all know I was different.
They would all know my secret, that I wasn’t one of them. I so wanted to be one of them- whoever ‘they’ were at the time.
Because I had this inbuilt belief system, that I was different and it felt horrible. It had begun at age 4 and like all beliefs, it ran the show for many years after,
I had an incessant need to belong and my skin colour, my eyebrow size and my unusual name threatened this massively for me. And as humans, all we want to do is belong.
The reality was, I lived in an affluent very white part of the london.. and my mum was like the goddamn Persian elephant in the room.
In fact, I would go to great lengths to cover up the fact I was middle eastern. I hated it when people asked me ‘ where I was from…
” England obviously, ”
No.really? I found that so weird. why wouldn’t they just accept that I was?
“Where are your parents from, you don’t ‘ʟᴏᴏᴋ’ English?”
UGH. No escaping that.
In Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, belongingness is part of one of his major needs that motivate human behaviour. And I found it hard for me to meet this need, which meant I always found it hard to really move up the pyramid of needs until the latter part of my life.
Yesterday, was a reminder of how far I’ve come.
I don’t care for fitting in or being normal. Being Vegan for one. Second, being a spiritual mofo. Third, deviating from the norms when it comes to my thoughts on money and business.
I’m totally ok with not agreeing with the majority and doing that which makes me happy. But it has taken me a shit ton of inner work to get here,
Whenever you feel triggered by something, be curious as to why.
Question your thoughts and your feelings. It’s great data as to your pre-set belief filters.
I recognize why my mum speaking so loudly in Iranian makes me wince. it’s my inner child screaming ‘shut the fuck up you are making me feel different” yet my adult-self knows that this is okay and safe and is proud of being culturally diverse people. and love the fact my kids are surrounded by different cultures.
Thoughts are things just manufactured by your brain and can be changed. Be conscious of them and outwit the negative motherf*ckers. You have control,
love Noor x